Beautiful Disaster

Humans, as we are. we never get contented of anything. We keep on
wishing, wishing for things we do not have. We keep looking for
something that isnt there. We keep on wishing. While others envy for
what we have. Somebody else wishes they were in our shoes.

Somebody
aspires to be someone else. Someone wishes to be famous. Someone wishes
to be filthy rich and beautiful. Some people just want to be loved,
they’d die just to be loved, while others ignore the people who show
care and take them for granted.

Others want to be the person they want to be, but they cannot. Some people just want to be normal, ordinary beings.

We can never stop wishing of something we don’t have.

We can never stop wanting the things we can’t have.

and then we see the value of things when it leaves our hands.

We appreciate and see someone’s worth, only at the time when they’ve finally left us for good.

We
are so engrossed in making our wishes real, that we throw away what we
have just to get them. We realize later, that the things we used to
have…are really the ones that matter most. but we can’t do anything
since they’re already gone. And then we regret…

“You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone”

As the saying goes… we have to lose them, to know their value.

*sigh* The harsh realities of life.

but then again, Life must go on.

You whine as if I never cared
You seethe as if I was never there
You bleed as if I didn’t see
You die as if I never heard

You keep on crying
You keep on crying
You keep on thinking
You keep on dying

Nobody cares.
Nobody sees.
Nobody hears.
And nobody seeks.

Isn’t that what you want to hear?

“I’ve grown tired of you my dear”

The inferno grows
The bliss dies
The water dries
It washes all smiles.

You could not complain
You could not speak
You lose over your conscience

But after all, it’s YOU who would win.

I had hopes and I had goals
where are they now?
where’d they go?

I had wished and I dreamed
but they weren’t enough
and so it seemed

I had cared and I had loved
and this is where I falter
I have fallen out of love

I was awakened by the warmth of the sunbeams that lit my face. Only then I realized mom was no longer around the house. It feels different.

I remember sobbing like a child in the car while on our way home, I know I would miss mom so much.

Suddenly, it feels lonely here. The house is utterly quiet again.

I don’t know what else to say, I couldn’t say much, but I miss mom really. Everything seems a whole lot different now that she’s not around.

I miss having dinner, all of us, a family. *sigh* It was one of the moments in my life I’d never forget. It’s not perfect, but it’s as close as to the memories I’ve been holding on to.

And specially the car incident wherein we got chased– that would be the first time for almost two decades of my life that I did not see mom and dad arguing. For once I felt the unity, the unity of a family. Somehow, I felt whole.

My parents are separated, I don’t know if you understand how I feel whenever I say complete. All I ever dreamed was to be whole. Though someday I know I’ll be, I’ll have a family of my own, and someone who’ll fill the empty space I have.

I never stop dreaming, nor stop hoping. I always believe that in life, there are things in store for me. There’s gonna be that someone who’ll fill the empty space I have.

Perhaps you wouldn’t understand me at all, and I’m not forcing you to understand me  either. I just want to share my thoughts. It’s no drama at all. I just believe that family has greater value for me, they are my loved ones.

my family, my life. I wouldn’t die for them, I would live for them.

I guess the loneliness is starting to eat me, that causes me to say such things. Don’t worry, I’ll get over this anyhow. This is what makes us stronger. =)

Surely, I’ll miss mom a lot. Finally, I know how it feels. To be given extra care by a mother, to see mom & dad– talking. My parents are not in love anymore, but at least they are friends. That’s all I could ever wish for, for them to be friends and not hate each other, that’s all and nothing more. and the two weeks with my mom, was the answer to my prayers I’ve been whispering every night before I sleep for thirteen years. Finally, my prayers have been answered.

And with that, I felt like I’ve always had the perfect family. I am so blessed, more than I could ever know.

I was with my friends last Sunday, it’s becoming kind of frequent that
me & my best buddies attend church every Sunday. We attend the last
mass (usually ends at 7pm) and then dine out together. It’s starting to
be a habit, which is nice.

So after the mass I had a little chat
with Dhelle, I missed her cos I haven’t seen her for two weeks or so,
and lots of things already happened with that small span of time.
Dhelle, is my good friend, we don’t have anything in common but we
compliment each other. She is the type who would ace her grades and
wouldn’t stop until she get whatever she wanted. As I looked back two
years ago, she was the type who would sulk if she didn’t get what she
wanted, and a little bit stubborn too. Kind of spoiled actually. But
now, due to some financial crisis she wouldn’t be able to attend her
third year in college this year. Instead of bumming, she decided to
work. She’s now working in a hospital in Quezon City as a medical
representative and her salary is fair enough.

She smiles, says
that she is happy with her work. But there’s a sad tone in her voice
and people just don’t see her tears at night before she goes to sleep.

Our
chat that day, was unlike what we were year a few months ago, years
ago. The typical us, we would talk about teeny stuff. We had a long
chat, but mostly it was quiet, more serious. You wouldn’t hear the
yelling and tilian cos we’re so kilig
and stuff. And just now makes me think, how different we are right now
from who we used to be. These were the stuff we used to talk about…

Boys.
Professors that suck. Girls we hated. Boyfriends. Family
misunderstandings. Fun. Fun. Fun. Irritating classmates. Band. Fashion.
What’s in. What color to dye my hair. What nail polish I’ll buy next.
Boys again. Crushes. The Campus hottie. The transfer student from FEU.
How to get more allowance from dad. My sister and I fought last night.
HOw I feel like committing suicide.Gossip. Gossip. Gossip. Me. Me. Me.

Just
came to me, that everything we used to talk about, doesn’t really
matter at all. It was all nonsense. It didn’t mean anything and it’s
just a total waste of time.

Those stuff up there, it used to
matter so much back when I was younger. But now, I don’t want to even
talk about it. There’s more stuff to worry about, and I never had any
problems at all. It was just me all along who was making my life,
dramatic. I just laugh whenever I remember those days when my whole
week is ruined just because I had a bad hair day.

How petty my ‘problems‘ were. Look at it now, they aren’t even problems at all.

I just realized how blessed I am, how lucky I am.

And
it was just me all along who made the melodrama out of my mediocre
life. I was too focused on getting attention, something that I really
don’t need.

I look back to who I used to be a year ago, and all
I could say is that girl- doesn’t know a thing at all, she doesn’t know
how blissful her life was and insisted that it was a drama. She says
life is hard–but has she lived life yet? No.

Funny how things
come to me right now, and realize…that I have wasted time, money and
effort on stuff that doesn’t matter. Funny how childish I used to be. I
was complaining, whining when I should be thankful and content.

Right now, I just need to sort out my priorities.

I
guess sometimes, it really comes to each and everyone of us- that the
things that used to matter most to us will someday, won’t mean a thing
at all. And the things that doesn’t matter to us, we’ll soon realize
that they are the things we should have paid more attention to.

I looked at him. He’s so tired & weak. He can barely lift his head.
He looked at me in the eye and I just burst into tears. Softly
whispering to him “I’m sorry…”. I couldn’t say anything else.

I gently patted his head, comforted him. I could feel his difficulty in
breathing. He’s so pale, he’s out of blood. And I’ve got no one to
blame but myself.

He rest his head on my hand, which made my heart ache even more. He is suffering. And I’ve got no one else to blame but myself.

I caressed his hair, how I wish I could cuddle him in my arms. My eyes
were red and swollen, tears would not stop falling and my throbbing
heart continuously killed me. I held his had… I didn’t want him to
go, but it’s better than see him suffer more.

If only I knew this will be the last time I’ll feel his warmth…

I never imagined I would be saying this, but I should have, would have and could have…

I am blaming myself.

And I don’t know how to handle this anymore, my heart has been shattered
and it’s pieces are lost and I can no longer retrieve them. I want to
give up.

He fell asleep, his head still lay on my hand… I spoke softly to his ear… “Magpahinga ka na…”

I feel like dying. I want to scream and shout my agony. But I cant. No
words can express what I’m feeling. I hope I wont breakdown, but
depression is starting to eat me. I cant help it.

He hardly have any days left, I don’t know when…but it will be soon. Real soon.

I should have listened, But I neglected it and risked so many lives. I should have listened. I should have listened.

I learned things the hard way.

I’m drowning in tears, I feel like giving up, I cant take it anymore. I want to breakdown. I just want to die.

I have to let him go, I don’t want him to suffer more… I’m putting all the blame in me. I’m completely a failure.

I gently removed my hand & replaced it with another cloth.

And taking out my hand while he’s sleeping on it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my whole life.

I will miss you, forever.

Did
you ever wish that you could turn back time, return to your past when
your life was simpler then you would realize how petty your problems
used to be? Life was simpler then, you’d come to realize how pleasant
your life was, you’d realize that life was less complicated before and
it was something you should’ve been a lot thankful about.

I
know thinking about the past and lamenting about it is no use, but
sometimes you just can’t help but think about it. There are things you
shouldn’t have let go, there are people you should’ve given more value,
there were more reasons you should have been grateful but you took them
for granted.

And
now you just can’t take them back, you have said words now you wish
you’ve never said, let go of people now you want them back but they can
never come back to you, you’ve taken things that you can’t return to
where they used to be, given your heart and now you have nothing else
to give.

You’ve
got nowhere else to go but to move on; after all… it really is true,
that you have to loose something, or someone…just to realize how much
they meant to you.

Make me smile again
tell me you love me one last time.
Hold my hand like once before
and in my ear whisper "You’re mine."

Make me smile again
just like when I was by your side.
Lie to me and make me think
there’s nothing that you have to hide.

Make me smile again
say you love me like no other.
Tell me that you’re being true
that there’s not another lover.

Make me smile again
you’re the only one that can.
Be there for me when I need you
and tell me that you understand.

Make me smile again
just pretend we’re still together.
Kiss my lips like you once did,
fake your promise of forever.

Do whatever you must do
just like you did back then.
Say whatever lie you want
to make me smile again…

It’s been two weeks since my aunt Mira was here. She just had to go
home to attend my two cousins’ graduation ceremony (Elementary &
High School).

I remember when she was here, she & my other
aunt (Auntie Loi) would sing nonstop in the karaoke. Then they would
have nonstop chit-chatting, and there was a time they talked about my
mom.

They’d tell me lots of stories of my mom, like when my mom
was in high school, they used to join amateur singing contest and how
my mom refused to loose. Mom used to do lots of crazy stuff in high
school, she was a member of the school choir (which until know I
find..somewhat "unbelievable" LOL!!! peace mom! ^_^v) then they’d
also tell stories when mom sneaked out to go to the movies, gamble, and
run around like crazy in grandpa’s big manner.

My aunt Mira
looked so much like mom, she had mom’s accent, she had mom’s mannerisms
and she had mom’s behavior as well. I just remember those days when
mom, aunt Mira & aunt Loi was together. Oh boy what fun they were
when they’re together. Crazy.

I was thinking, maybe if mom was here…the three of them might be singing along the karaoke, or they would be manalaag nonstop… they’d talk for hours nonstop.

I miss my mom when she was around here she’d never stop babbling, I miss my mom’s loud voice, I miss her crazy laughter.

My mom may not be the perfect mom, but she’s still my mom, the only mom I have and love her so much no matter what.

well… I guess I just miss my mom.

Painting. One of the passions I live for.

I miss painting. There was a time that I was so engrossed, I’d be in my "workshop" (just a corner of my room) and would be sitting there the whole day to finish one painting. And I’ll do the same the next day.

The
only time I’d get out of my workshop is when I get hungry or the
sporadic call of nature. Sure, I loved painting more than I loved my
boyfriend back then. lol. just kidding~ But really, painting is part of
my life. I can’t imagine my life without being able to paint anything.
Art is essential to me. You see, painting is my outlet, or rather one
of my outlets. It releases all my stress. Since I am not good with
words, I express myself in this medium.

I suppose I’m more of an
impressionist, cos I appreciate masterworks of emotions and sceneries.
It’s some sort, style of painting that concentrates on the general tone
and effect produced by a subject, without much elaboration of details.
Like landscape paintings, and some contemporary art. Generally I
appreciate all kinds of work of art. Everything is art, I don’t care
what style cos basically it’s still art.

I missed painting a
lot, I decided to visit one of the art shops in town this afternoon.
Since this city is analogous to a rural area, I don’t expect much from
the art shops here. There’s nothing new so I went to the art supply
shop. I bought myself 18 tubes of fine oil paint. Initially I was
planning to buy linseed oil cos I’ve read that the type of oil may also
be the cause why some oil paintings chink.

Unfortunate of me,
they didn’t have the regular size container of linseed oil. The only
available linseed oils were the big ones, which was bit expensive.
Though I can afford, I decided not to buy. Besides, I don’t think I’d
be needing that much. Hey I wont be painting a wall. I also intended to
change my solvent as well, it can no longer remove much paint from my
brushes anymore.

I think I’ll buy them some other time.
Nevertheless, I was glad returning home with my new set of oil paint.
When I was in my room, I realized that my paint paraphernalia is
growing, only thing missing to complete it all was an easel.

I’ve
got a dozen different types of brushes, but believe me it’s not enough
for me. lol each brush is intended for different use, and different
type of paint. Natural hairbrushes & synthetic brushes, the round,
flat, angled, fan, angled, mop, rigger, etc.

Though I’m not an
expert in painting, I’m neither a super skilled one, I only know a
thing or two, the basics, I didn’t undergo art class either. All of
these are self study. I really love painting.